[Review] Limited Edition Cap’n Crunch’s Touchdown Crunch

Cap’n Crunch is a pretty eccentric guy. By day, he’s an 18th Century naval captain. By…other day, he’s a movie critic. And a baseball player. And Santa. Yikes. I have a bad feeling that the Cap’n is into some real weird roleplay.

Either his significant other just bought a cheerleading costume or the Cap’n is taking his creepy ass to the gridiron, because he’s suited up and fondling the ol’ pigskin. Is that a euphemism? Maybe.


Anyway, this isn’t the first time we’ve seen Touchdown Crunch, as it was originally available a few years ago back in 2009. After spending a few seasons on injured reserve, though, Touchdown Crunch is back on shelves, along with Cap’n Crunch’s creepy eyebrows that somehow stick out through his helmet. It’s hard to tell from the box design, but hopefully his eyebrows are the only thing poking out of his uniform.


I don’t need to take one single bite of this cereal to know what the end result is going to be. But I don’t even care because I love football and I love Crunch Berries. These are football-themed Crunch Berries and that’s awesome.

The golden corn and oat pieces are just regular Cap’n Crunch Cereal. Buttery, sweet, and exactly what you would expect. Whatever. Moving on.


Can we talk about these so-called “game time football shapes?” Nice try, you perverted seaman. Those are deformed Crunch Berries. The only way these things look like footballs is if this is actually Cap’n Crunch’s #Deflategate Cereal, the official breakfast cereal of the New England Patriots. That’s right, Tom Brady–people don’t forget. Regardless, these “football shapes” are sugary and fruity just like Crunch Berries…because they are, just smushed and with two fewer colors.

Look, it’s this simple: if you like Crunch Berries, you’ll like this. If you don’t, you won’t. If you don’t like football, you just slapped all of America in the face. And if you don’t like Cap’n Crunch…well, that’s actually for the best because he’s probably going to show up on To Catch a Predator someday.

Item: Limited Edition Cap’n Crunch’s Touchdown Crunch
Price and Place of Purchase: $2.98 at Walmart
Nutrition Facts (serving size-3/4 cup): 100 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, .5 grams of saturated fat, .5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 190 milligrams of sodium, 50 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 11 grams of other carbohydrates, 1 gram of protein.
In a Nutshell: FOOTBALL! Crunch Berries. WTF are “other carbohydrates?” Pervy roleplaying Cap’n. To Catch a Predator.
Overall Score: 7.5 out of 10

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