[Review] Pumpkin

(50) Days of Pumpkin: Day 34

Happy National Pumpkin Day! That’s right, as officially recognized by the United States Government, October 26 is the day to celebrate the fat orange gourd. Although, I guess you could probably say I’ve been celebrating National Pumpkin Day for a while now.

So, how exactly does one celebrate National Pumpkin Day? Well, Krispy Kreme celebrated with a pumpkin spice remix of its original glazed doughnut. Pop-Tarts tweeted something weird about their Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts. Keebler thankfully didn’t tweet anything about National Pumpkin Day, but that won’t stop me from sharing one of their terrible pumpkin-related posts from a while back.

Dammit, Ernie. Just stop trying. Please. Anyway, as great as those celebrations are, they’re completely missing the reason for the day. Is it National Pumpkin Spice Day? Nah. How about National Pumpkin Pie Day? Nope. It’s National Pumpkin Day, people. Celebrate accordingly.

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The OG (original gourd).

Pumpkins just don’t get any respect anymore. We used to be totally content with just a pumpkin. Hell, Charlie Brown made a whole documentary about how great it is. But now pumpkin has to be all sexed up, like in ice cream or Oreos. But it’s National Pumpkin Day, dammit. Compared to the sweetened up pumpkin treats I’ve been shoving in my mouth we’ve had shoved down our throats for the last couple of months, a pumpkin is the “sweatpants, hair tied, chillin’ with no make-up on” version. Shoutout to a good friend of the blog, Drake.

Pumpkins are now available for a limited time at…well, basically a lot of grocery stores and floral shops and farms, I guess. I got mine at Trader Joe’s, where the cashier asked whether I planned to use the pumpkin to carve a jack o’lantern or roast the seeds for a snack. “Nope!” I told her. “I’m gonna eat this thing raw and review it.” She then stared at me blankly as I smiled and left the store.

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I immediately regret this decision.

After cutting the top open with the precision of a diamond cutter, my mind flooded with a hundred questions. Should I start with the rind first, then go for the pulp, and then the seeds? Is the inside part even called pulp, or something else like “meat” or “flesh?” Are humans even supposed to eat raw pumpkins? Am I going to die?

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Oh god I’m gonna puke.

Well, the good news is that I’m still alive. The bad news is that this pumpkin really doesn’t taste great. The outer rind is watery firm and tough, and the taste is just…earthy, like a raw potato, which I’ve also eaten in my lifetime because I guess I have a thing for eating raw plants. The pulp is similar in flavor, with the added disgusting factor of its slimy mushiness. I’m telling you guys, if you ever want to make me vomit for any reason, just put a spoonful of pumpkin pulp in my face. The seeds are the best part of this terrible experience, which is saying something because they’re totally flavorless and impossible to chew raw. I tried to eat a couple and they just slid right past my teeth and I almost choked. That’s right–National Pumpkin Day almost killed me.

Happy Freakin’ National Pumpkin Day, everybody.

Item: Pumpkin
Price and Place of Purchase: $3.49 at Trader Joe’s
Nutrition Facts (serving size-1 pumpkin): ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
In a Nutshell:

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Overall Score: 1 out of 10
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